I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
