Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
