I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
