i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
