I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
