Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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