The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
