wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
