I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
