If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
