I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize