hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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