We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
