she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize