So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
