i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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