ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hippo gnu deer
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
