So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
When are your genitals available?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
