Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
how drunk are you?
Several
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
