im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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