so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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