I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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