I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I need a beard to bite.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
