i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize