How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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