Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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