Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
