Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
