My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
