i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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