How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
