He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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