oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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