Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
