there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
