HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
