I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
