Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
