Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
