Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
