just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
