feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
