girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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