I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
