Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Your cock deserves a montage
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
