There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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