what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
