apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
