Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
