I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
