btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
