I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Randomize
