Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
