all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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