Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
