do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you didnt know i had herpes?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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