I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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