You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize