You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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