Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
