You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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